(Dialing in through DSL Modem)
You: “Evvy? Are you there??”
You: “Evvy! Where have you been, we have been worried sick! Your last blog post dates back from January 2019 and it was a story about masturbating, are you ok? Did you accidentally vibrate yourself to death??”
Me: Ahm…. nö…..
You: “So, what’s going on??? Tell us!!!”
Me: Well, what’s going on is that we are currently in a worldwide crisis with a pandemic that is thinning out this planet’s population at a staggering rate. Where have you been, Disneyland?!
You: “No of course, we are all in the same situation, hanging between Bitter town, Alone ville and Hermit junction…”
Me: ….Trapped on the parking lot outside the ‘Hopes & Dreams’ convenient store.
You: Äh….I don’t know that place, were you a regular there?
Me: It was a metaphor….
All jokes aside: the future isn’t bright, kids. People are dying and the ones that are still alive are getting revved up because of inadequate leadership, economic setbacks and discrepancies in the health care system. Tension is in the air and so are flying particles of a virus that has been claimed to have originated from a lab or a market or a toilet or a bat cave in China so that Western folks can get a little bit more riled up about there deep rooted prejudices against foreign folks. Xenophobia has got to be about the only stock these days that is rising through the roof. But it’s not the cure to get us out of this turmoil, I can assure you that.
No, we need sustainability. Something better, stronger. As well as something that goes beyond the money hungry pharmaceutical industry.
I had an epiphany two nights ago. Actually it was a nosebleed, but it made me think about what needs to be done. We need to kill the monster. We need to rip out the root of this evil and make sure it can never come back. And therefor we need a secret weapon.
I’m not talking about you Kanye. In fact nobody is.
I’m talking about Eleven.
Me: Yes, Eleven. It worked fine against the demogorgon and the mind flayer, so why not against -dare I say it- …
You: “Ok Evvy, but you can’t be serious. Eleven is a fictional character. And even if they were real. How will you get a hold of them? How will you convince them to battle this thing?”
Me: I don’t need to convince anyone…
I AM Eleven.
Me: Well that might be the case, but let’s face reality and smell the ballsack here, I am the only way out you got. I never get nosebleeds and somehow out of the blue I got one, the Eleven aesthetic is 100% made in Berlin AND if you flip my name around you basically get: ‘I, Eleven’.
You: “Ok….so what will be your first move Evv…Eleven?”
Me: I’m gonna look up an old ‘friend’…
You: “Maggie De Block? The Belgian Health Minister??”
Me: That’s right. If I wanna save the world I need to secure the safety of my family and friends back in Belgium first. That’s why I need to stop her poor insight and management of this crisis, this woman is a huge threat to public health!
You: “… And how will you get to her? She is locked in her ivory tower together with those other Sesame Street muppets.”
Me: Oh, I won’t need to introduce myself to her. Maggie used to hire me to implement her sugar tax on softdrinks…
You: “Which was a total miss, so I reckon she will be happy to see you…”
Me: I doubt it…?
You: “Yeah I know I was being sarcastic.”
Me: Well, I don’t have to face her alone. I can take an influential friend. Oh, I know, I will bring Kendall Jenner!
Me: Or maybe not… I will ask Steve and Nancy!
You: “Forget about those two. They were at a lockdown party last week and…”
You: “… well, now Steve is in a coma.”
Me: Aww man!! What about Nancy?
You: “Luckily Nancy doesn’t have any symptoms, but she still spread the virus on to Will who’s not feeling too hot either.”
Me: What about that conspiracy theorist Murray Bauman? He could help back up my case with hard facts.
You: “Well, Murray unfortunately picked up the cow-rona virus. Which means he basically can’t stop farting.”
Me: That leaves me no choice but to ask Joyce.
You: “Well, you know Joyce, always cooped up in the house, she was more comfortable with doing a Zoom call. She already prepared a statement addressed to Maggie:”
Me: Ow-keey, ääähm, what about Robin?
You: “She already tweeted Maggie this photo.”
Me: Well if I don’t act now, corona will come back faster than anyone can say…
Me: I can’t lose time. Things are getting stranger and I need to gather a team to back me up when I face her. I will need to talk to Lucas, Mike, Max and Dustin. We need to nip this thing in the bud asap!!
First I will try to explain to them how long Belgium has been without a functional government.
Then I will brainstorm about how we can put an end to this lack of political efficiency.
And then …
I will ask them to pack light cuz we’re flying Ryanair and their attendees are thick-headed about hand luggage policy.
2 hours later:
WELCOME TO BELGIUM !
Me: Watch out guys. The virus has spread everywhere…
Me: … And the place is packed with cops looking to give you € 250 fines for no reason.
Me: This is it, we are approaching Maggie’s lair. Everybody ready?
Me: Let’s put an end to the farce that’s turned into a tragedy.
5 minutes later:
Mike: “Eleven you need to get out of there. The place is surrounded. Maggie knew you were coming and has set up an ambush of toxic men to eliminate you.”
Me: I know…
Me: Now that I think of it guys, I don’t have to face Maggie directly. I can use the same way Koen Geens, Minister for Justice and EU affairs, communicates with her.
Me: Maggie, are you there?
Me: Maggie this is Eleven. Listen to me. You are putting our country in great danger. First you destroyed the emergency stock of mouth masks 3 years prior to the corona outbreak, then -surprise, surprise- it turns out there are no mouth masks to tackle this pandemic and ever since you have been purposely keeping people in the dark about the benefits of wearing mouth masks, stating they don’t do shit when the truth is you were just covering up your mistake by knowingly saying that only health workers need to wear masks. You left clueless people to die. Marc Wathelet, a virologist, who you later referred to as ‘a drama queen’, warned you for the severity of this virus but you didn’t believe him.
No Marc, you didn’t. Maggie did.
Me: Yes, cuz you know what?
And you are not a friend. You have been keeping the public dumb just so you would not be kept responsible for destroying mouth masks in the past. You were too selfish to acknowledge your mistake and therefor you told people masks were bogus. You could have told people to wear a scarf or to make a mask out of old garments, but instead you ignored the conversation. And therefor the toll of Belgian corona deaths is 4 times higher than what it could have been.
The M. in M. De Block doesn’t stand for ‘Maggie’, doesn’t stand for ‘Meaningful measurements’, it stands for ‘Mass murderer’. You should resign. Politicians have resigned for less in the past. For having sex with a prostitute, for example, but as far as I can recall nobody died from that. So resign! And take the rest of those incompetent muppets with you.
Maggie: “But, but, I’m having another meeting with them today, we are most likely gonna tell the people to wear a mask at all times from now on. That’s what you want, right?”
Me: “Too little, too late. You are a joke, Maggie. And I’m gonna tell you over and over again.”
(squeaking and crackling sounds intensify)
Me: Oh shit…
Dustin to the rescue:
Maggie being defeated: Aaaaaahhhsjjjjjjwwwwwwww
Will, back from the almost dead: “I told you guys a shitload of disinfectant spray would do the trick!”
Me: All’s well that ends well, friends. The virus, however, is still not entirely defeated and will take a little while longer to be conquered. Therefore be smart, keep distance, wash your hands and…
Everybody: “Oh no she’s getting away with it! AGAIN!!!”
Everyone: “What do we do now, Eleven?”
Me: I believe this is the right time to say:
People shouldn’t be afraid of their government.
Governments should be afraid of their people.
Wear a goddamn mask.
Coronavirus: “I believe my work here is done.”