She’s a M A N I A C

There are days I devour Netflix shows like an all you can eat continental breakfast. I indulge, overeat and get bulimic. When this happens, weird neurochemical processes take over my membrane and suddenly my non-fictional life sets itself in the middle of my new favorite fictional universe. When those two worlds intertwine in some heavy love making, this is what comes out…

A monstrously exciting read. 

“After ‘Penny Dreadful’ and ‘Girlboss’, Evelien Delgouffe turns ‘Maniac’ for her long awaited new fan fiction blog post” (Daily Planet) 

There was a time I posted a new blog post every week. Back then I was globetrotting. Running after adventure like a dog chasing its own tail. And guess what? Wherever I went, there was my tail! In Australia, in China, even in Japan. Of course I had exciting things to tell each week. Heck, I had exciting things to tell every day, every hour, every minute! But since life is back to the status quo, not a lot of exciting things happen to report about.

I go to the supermarket, I sit at home and write and with the money I make from writing I go to the supermarket again. It’s the circle of life.

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© Netflix – Maniac

Even though I’ve changed the decor of my life to a new city, I still roam the streets like a moody teenager looking for a pattern. The pattern around which my life, and all life around that, is knitted.

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© Netflix – Maniac

There was a time I believed in the pattern and I saw the pattern everywhere. I even wrote a book about the pattern. The book has been lying in eyesight for almost a year now. On the corner of my desk. Collecting dust and cereal crumbs.

The book I wrote was filled with hidden walls, double meanings, easter eggs and was a perfect blueprint of the labyrint in my mind which researchers like to refer to as ‘Mindlantis’, the final frontier.

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© Netflix – Maniac

But lately, I don’t see the patterns anymore.

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You: “Are you depressed Evvy?”

Me: “Isn’t that just the default setting of human beings?”

You: “Err….”

“But why did you actually never publish your book?”

Me: “Because I sent it to 5 people and 1 of those 5 people thought it was shit so from then on I thought it was shit too.”
“Anyway, I am too embarrassed to send it to publishers. That book is all me. I couldn’t bear people to criticize it.”

You: “Ahm, aren’t you a critic in real life yourself?”

Me: “Who are you the ethical department??”

You: “No actually I’m down the hall with the unethical department.”

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You: “We have been watching you for a while miss Delgouffe.”

Me: “Yikes, and who the fudge are you mister Side Parting?”

You: “My name is Doctor Mantleray and I want to eat (…) errmm, study your brain.”

Me: “Oh yeah? And what’s in it for me?”

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© Netflix – Maniac

You as Dr. Mantleray: “Cutting-edge treatment of you neurological hypertheroidial amoebical mambo jambo… hysteria.”

“My colleagues from the unethical department look forward to meet you.”

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© Netflix – Maniac

Me: “Unless there is some world class editor/ renowned publisher working in your little unethical club, I’m afraid I’m not interested.”

You as Dr. Mantleray: “What a coincidence. There is! His name is Owen and he will be happy to help you publish your book.”

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© Netflix – Maniac

Me: “Errr, well…thank you, but never mind. I don’t think this version of my book is the definite one anyway… I should probably think about an alternative ending. As a matter of fact I should go do that right now.”

You as Dr. Mantleray : “If you work with us, our computer will do the writing for you. We will hook you up to our neuro-network and your book will be printed directly from your brain. Owen here, will just run the final checks on points and commas.”

Me: “Ok then mister Mantis…”

You as Dr. Mantleray: “Mantleray”

Me: “Whatever. Allow me to rephrase my initial question: What’s in it for you?”

You as Dr. Mantleray: “Once you begin to appreciate the structure of the mind, there’s no reason anything about us can’t be changed. Pain can be destroyed. The mind can be solved….”

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You as Dr. Mantleray: “… And you will earn 50.000 euro”.

(15 minutes later)

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© Netflix – Maniac

You as Dr. Mantleray: “Ow-keey-oki miss Delgouffe, we will now hot wire you to our neuro-network for a little test run. We will ask your subconsciousness a few basic questions. Consider it a warm up, before we proceed to subduct your future bestseller from your brain.”

“And a 5, 6, 7, 8!”

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© Netflix – Maniac

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Me: “Where the funk am I?”

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You as Dr. Mantleray: “Your subconsciousness chose to wake up in Japan. You were here on the 16th of May, 2016. The real you has just witnessed a minor earthquake. Remember? You even put a message on Facebook after it happened.”

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You as Dr. Mantleray: “The earthquake was actually not coming from Miyazaki, like news media reported that day, but was caused by a small bug in our computer system when we hooked ‘the future you’ up to our neuro-network. It happens all the time.”

Me: “That’s ahm… swell… doctor, but why am I here?”

You as Dr. Mantleray: “Don’t ask me, ask your subconsciousness. Is this place also mentioned in your book?”

Me: “Yeah…”

You as Dr. Mantleray: “Well there you have it! Now don’t be scared. Throughout this interview your subconsciousness may switch through different locations from your past. And potentially your future.”

Me: “My future???”

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You as Dr. Mantleray: “Yes, as a matter of fact this is you in 6 years from now. Look! You’re a doting mother, covered in rainbows.”

Me: “No no no, take me back! Please take me back!”

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Me: “Where the fudge am I now?”

You as Dr. Mantleray: “Err… it seems like your mind is a little disoriented. It mixed your time in Australia with your fascination for cosplay and fantasy, miss Delgouffe. Maybe it’s better we take this conversation to our pre-formatted offices. I will get the floppy disk and program us right in.”

“There you go. Better ain’t it?”

Me: “Peachy…”

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© Netflix – Maniac

You as Dr. Mantleray: “Now let’s get to the core of this mission, miss Delgouffe. First question: are you allergic to any kind of nuts, seaweeds or possibly gluten intolerant? Our chef needs to know, since you will probably stay in our facilities for more than 48 hours.”

Me: “No.”

You as Dr. Mantleray: “Ace! You’re now officially screened and ready to print your bestseller, miss Delgouffe. We will bring you into contact with editor Owen and you can discuss the next steps together while Gertie, our computer, prints out the full story for you and the rest of the world to read!”

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© Netflix – Maniac

Me: “Owen, where are we?”

Owen: “We’re in an elevator.”

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Me: “Owen, I cannot be in an elevator. Elevators scare the living shit out of me. I have experienced severe trauma in an elevator!”

You as Dr. Mantleray: “What’s happening in there? Why are the radars turning like crazy?!”

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Owen: “Oh boy! You didn’t mention that fear in the intake conversation?”

Me: “They asked me about my fucking gluten intolerancies not about my Michael Myers vs. Laurie Strode relationship to elevators. Now get me the fuck out of here!”

You as Dr. Mantleray: “God Gertie, we’re losing her. Another prodigy’s about to go catatonic.”

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Owen: “Better?”

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Me: “Yes, thank you.”

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Me: “Hey I used to live on this corner! This was one of the first rooms I lived in when I moved to Berlin!”

Owen: “I know. This is 1 year ago today. Do you remember? You took this picture of yourself in your flat.”

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Me: “Yes I remember! I was writing… on my book.”

Owen: “I know.”

Me: “Wait a minute. Am I currently in there? Holy moly! Am I stalking myself??”

Owen: “Yes. What we need to find out miss Delgouffe is the simple neuro-dynamics of why you gave up on your book. Why did you throw something away you worked on for months? Why did it end up on a corner of your desk collecting dust and cereal crumbs?”

Me: “Jeez Owen… I don’t know. Maybe I’m afraid it’s not good enough. Not entertaining enough… After all I stick to true events. I didn’t even bother to use a lot of fantasy… It was just an immediate excerpt of my life. Past and present. And all the irony and double meanings I pretended to see along the way.”

Owen: “Pretended to see? What if what you saw was really there…?”

(In the meantime in the unethical department) 

You as Dr. Mantleray: “We have to stop the trial Azumi. I have to pull the plug!”

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© Netflix – Maniac

Dr. Azumi Fujita of the unethical department: “No! If you do that you’ll risk she ends up in a vegetative state!”

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(In the meantime in neuro-land)

Me: “Nonsense Owen. I fooled myself. I’m a fool. And maybe that stupid book should just stay in the past.”

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© Netflix – Maniac

Owen: “At this point in time, when you were here writing in your flat. You also wrote a text message to a handsome looking guy you matched on Tinder. He answered you back and you met each other for the first time on Friday the 13th of October… In the real world, you are a few days shy of celebrating your first anniversary together… That same evening in this flat you listened to Lady Gaga because you had a sudden melancholy to her widely unacclaimed album ‘Artpop’. Today a movie with Lady Gaga enters cinemas and guess what… It’s a love story and she’s probably gonna win an Oscar for it. These are not random facts. I’m sure the Evelien from one year ago, who is now sitting in this flat, would have recognized this pattern.”

Dr. Azumi Fajita of the unethical department: “Dr. Mantleray we are gaining back her cooperation. The numbers are… growing impressively. Owen is actually getting to her.”

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© Netflix – Maniac

You as Dr. Mantleray: “Of course. I knew we were not going to risk another McMurphy…”

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© Netflix – Maniac

Me: “So the pattern really is the pattern, huh?”

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© Netflix – Maniac

Owen: “Yes. And therefor I have to ask you one thing…”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Owen: “You can’t finish your book if you’re running away from your demons. It’s time for the Confrontation stage of this trial. You need to confront your biggest trauma in order to finish your book and unravel your pattern. You will have to take us to that deciding moment in your life. The moment that changed your life forever, the moment that also hurt you the deepest.”

Me: “Ahm Owen? Why did you change into a purple looking Yoda?”

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Owen: “Maybe because your subconsciousness feels more at ease talking to a stuffed animal. Ha! Check mate!”

Owen: “So to come back to my question…”

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“Are you willing to travel back to the most painful moment in your life and dissolve the pattern?”

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Me: “I’m ready for my therapy doctor.”

You as Dr. Mantleray:

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“And Owen’s not a doctor.”

Dr. Azumi Fujita of the unethical department: “Just leave them, James.”

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© Netflix – Maniac

Me: “Brace yourself Owen.”

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Me: “For this emotional torture ride will take you to belly tingling highs…

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…and sickening lows.”

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XO

Congratulations! You made it all the way through! Thank you for reading and just for the record: I’m not depressed. This is merely a piece of fan fiction to show my deep appreciation for this great Netflix show. Check out my previous fan fiction posts on ‘Penny Dreadful’ and ‘Girlboss’ if you wanna discover more!

What the DRAG?! Why can’t I be a queen? 👑

“Ladies and genders,

rupaul seen it all

…But I can tell you, you have NOT. The purist drag queen community is shaking on its full coverage foundation since a girl from Belgium decided to turn her brain on and ask herself a fundamental question even Quora can’t answer:

Can anyone, and therefor also ME as a woman, be a drag queen?

Old-school drag purists: (Gag)

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Now this is how it all started…

Me: As you all know I, Evelien Delgouffe, am a woman of many faces and interests. I am interested in everything that lights a little spark in my eyes and makes me forget the mess that we as humans have to face on a daily basis. Yes, I like to live in a self (wo)manifested dream world.

Therefor I am a fan of movies, series, adventure, science fiction, comics, cosplay, fantasy creatures, make-up… etc!

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And since a while, my most favorite way to let off steam after a rough day is watching 1 or 10 episodes of ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’. It’s a little hard to explain, but those men dressing up as  queens makes me feel good about myself.

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TV-show host and drag supermodel extraordinaire: RuPaul!

You: “Ahm… About yourself Evvy?”

Me: “Well yeah, whenever I watch an episode of RuPaul I feel a small change in my behavior. As if I’m suddenly sliding down a rainbow of Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent. Feeling good about myself and my womanhood.”

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I am also inspired by the different looks and how these queens carry themselves as almost alien like, supernatural creatures.

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… Vogue-ing, parading, skedaddling, lipsync-ing and even death dropping for their lives.

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… Topped with the occasional bitch fight of course.

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I decided to take my fascination to the next level and dive deeper into this magical world of drag.

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Since I am an investigative journalist (and not a ‘wannabe’ like my arch rival Lois Lane; she’s a drag but definitely not a queen…) I decided to do my research properly.

Now, asking the question ‘Can a women be a drag queen?’ turned out to be a stupid one since 1 search entry in Google taught me that women across the planet have been dressing up as drag queens (and I don’t mean drag kings, fyi) for many years.

Why didn’t I know?!

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According to my good friend Google:Picture 2018-06-02 om 09.04.02

See? ‘Artists of all sexualities’. So it’s totally fine for women to dress up as drag queens too!

Well… not really.

To begin with. Female drag queens are nicknamed ‘faux queens’, which is not really a name to take pride in.

Further research taught me there’s actually an ongoing vitriol surrounding female drag queens. Old-school drag purists don’t like women to act or perform as drag queens at all and even boycot them.

You: “If men dress up as women…Doesn’t it make more sense for women to dress up as men… in order to bypass that nasty ‘faux queen’ nickname?”

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Me: “Well yeah, but for me, aesthetics-wise, it is much more interesting to dress up as a drag queen and explore new depths of my femininity.”

Old-school drag purists: “But why would a woman want to parody a woman? It’s a complete oxyoxymo…. a complete TRAVESTY!”

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 Me: “Look errr… girl… That’s just one transvestite calling another transvestite a transvestite… You know, you really shouldn’t put people into boxes like that.”

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Me: While let’s face it: drag queens would be nowhere without women AMMARIGHT?”

Old-school drag purists:

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Doing this research I suddenly realized that the idea only man can be drag queens is unfortunately also promoted by my favorite TV show. In ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ only male identified drags can compete. Faux queens are not welcome. Transsexuals neither. #Dafuq?

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I wondered what RuPaul’s opinion on the topic of faux queens was. Does he actually support ladies in drag? Or not? Big was my grief when I discovered an interview of RuPaul with The Guardian in 2017 where he made the following statement:

RuPaul: “Drag loses its sense of danger and its sense of irony once it’s not men doing it, because at its core it’s a social statement and a big F-you to male-dominated culture. So for men to do it, it’s really punk rock, because it’s a real rejection of masculinity.”

Old-school drag purists:

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In the meantime RuPaul has publicly changed his opinion on the topic but still, coming from an LGBTQ ambassador, it was quite a controversial thing to say. Why should drag queen-ing be a ‘men-only’ sport?

Old-school drag purists:

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“I’m sorry Miss Delgouffe but we have to stop you right there: why would you even bother to do drag up? Why would you emulate what you AL-READY are? What is the illusion???”

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Me: “I’m pretty sure when I cover my eyebrows with a glue stick and draw on new ones, that’s called an illusion…”

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Old-school drag purists: “Funny how women always depend on men to give the right example.”

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RuPaul: “The time has come for you to form a conclusion, Evelien.”

Me: “Well hang on RuPaul, let me just call up a dear friend of mine to close this case on my behalf…”

how this turns out

*Drrrriiiiiiiing driiiiiingg*

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Me: “Miss G, I urgently need your help on something. Could you come to RuPaul’s ‘Werk Room’ real quick?”

(5 min later)

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Me: “Queens, I present to you the only woman who has ever been really accepted for performing as a drag queen. Bow down for the one and only…. LADY GAGA!!!”

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Me: “Now that I have all you queens’ attention. I would like to let this marvelous artist explain to you what drag, regardless of gender, is all about to her:

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(Thank you hellogiggles.com for the nice layout of this immortal Lady Gaga quote)

Me: “See? We are all looking to fill up voids in our lives. Whether it’s with money or with glitter. We are all eager to lift ourselves to the most fabulous echelons of whatever universe we want to belong to. Faux queens or real queens, in drag there is no room for misogyny, sexism nor racisme.”

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“It’s about expressing what femininity means to us and defying sex-role stereotypes. It’s about art and performance. Whether it’s political, aesthetical or just satirical or for entertainment purposes. It shouldn’t be a ‘boys only club’ since we have so much to learn form each other.”

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“Let us try to see drag as ‘genderless’ until it becomes the new norm and (meno)pause this ongoing bitch fight right here.”

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“Or to say it with the words of a wise wo-man:”

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Me: “Heu…well thanks Momma Ru, but I actually meant that other thing you always say…”

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EEEEEEEEEEEEXACTLY

Now can I get an Amen up in here?

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Disclaimer:
This blog post was a sponsored feel good message brought to you by ‘I don’t give a Tuck’. You can be a beautiful individual no matter what. Appearance and good looks are mostly a matter of behavior and perception. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then add on as many illusions as you want until YOU, the beholder in the mirror, finally feels comfortable with what you see…PS: The Kardashians do it every day.

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After publishing this blog only one drag queen has decided to take a step back (…)

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…But now that the rest of the purist drag community has opened the boundaries, all ‘femme bodied individuals who want to try on drag every once and a while, for real or just for fun’ are more than welcome to play along! 

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As for me, I thought about where drag will take me. Since ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ maybe isn’t that representative for my understanding of the drag art, I will take my interest just a tiiiiiiiiiny step further….

…By going to a show in my local area and hope someone mistakes me for a real guy!

😱

To be continued?

All in favor say AAAYE!

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XO

 

 

A cosplay special

Hello there intergalactic friends of the universe!

Today we are going to get crafty as I will tell you all about my BXL COMIC CON outfit and how I hand made it from scratch. Soon the result will be visible on my Instagram (instagram.com/eveliendelgouffe) and Snapchat ‘evdelgouffe’ but here I am going to take you through every step of the making so you can create your own DIY LEELOO FROM LUC BESSON’S THE FIFTH ELEMENT KICK ASS SUSPENDER ENSEMBLE. 

For a total cost of: 39,2 euros

WITHOUT ANY SEWING INVOLVED. 

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Okay first off you need to :

  1. Browse the internet. 

Picture the character and how you can attain the look. You don’t want to start with a super chick dream image

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…and end up looking like this.

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That just gnarly.

Get a good grasp of what the outfit consists off and what you already have in your closet that looks like the outfit and what stuff you still need to buy. Make a shopping list.

2. Visit your local crafts or carnival store and see what you can find.

Since I already owned:

  • black boots
  • white crop top

I bought:

  • golden leggings
  • orange hair chalk
  • 1 meter of orange felt fabric for the suspenders
  • black tape

3. GET STARTED

Start with the most important thing first. The centerpiece of your look.

I figured if all the rest would fail, there was one thing that would be indispensable to the  whole Leeloo look & feel and that is …

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It’s an identification card/credit card/money card/etc all rolled into one. Pronounced as ‘Mooooltiee paaass’. You can find templates on the internet.

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Just print one out in the appropriate size. If you have a lot of time on your hands you can even photoshop your own picture in there to make it that more real.

(Remember: nothing is real, it’s cosplay. But it feels damn good to walk this earth as a supreme being for one day.)

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A) Multipass necessities:

  • a printer
  • a crayon
  • two pieces of cardboard
  • colored paper
  • an x-acto knife

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You can find a basic stencil on the net to make the cut out.

Re-use the stencil to add the more detailed elements.

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Borrow your father’s medication packages and use them as a button or a switch of some sort to add extra dimension.

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Tadaaa

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Congrats! You got yourself a Multipass! Looking at it from a distance (as in: from another planet) you will barely see the difference with the real one!

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Total cost: 0 euro since I found everything I needed around the house.

=> On to the next challenge: THE ORANGE SUSPENDERS

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B) Suspender necessities:

  • a tape-measure
  • orange material (I used orange felt. If you can’t find this, find another bendy fabric that you can spray paint)
  • an x-acto knife or a pair of scissors
  • a clear printed out picture of the lay out of the suspenders
  • a ruler and a ball point pen

First off: you need to measure yourself. Take measurements of your shoulders, waist and torso.

Take a sheet of paper to draw your exact outlines.

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Berliner is just my size.

Then draw the suspenders onto the paper using your measurements.

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Draw round circles where the wholes should be using a roll of sewing thread or any other round object.

Cut out the front piece. And use the same measurements to create the back.

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Try it on for size without tearing the paper.

See where it needs adjusting. As with me, the back part should be more narrow and elegant.

Use your pattern to cut it out on the fabric. I decided to do everything practically in one piece so you can just pull it over your head and attach the crotch with velcro tape. After all even supreme beings need to go to the toilet at one point.

Cut out the wholes. Velcro tape it together.

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Tadaaaa

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Congrats! You got yourself a pair of LEELOO SUSPENDERS!

Total cost: 8 euros for 1 meter of fabric, 1 euro worth of velcro tape.

=> Next step: THE LEELOO LEGGINGS!

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C) Legging necessities:

  • a pair of light brown, beige or golden leggings
  • thin black tape
  • wide black tape
  • glue

Chances you will find ‘pret à porter’ leggings like these are slim but with a minimum of effort you can create a great pair of Leeloo leggings.

Put your leggings on for size and keep the thin black tape in reach.

Start from the bottom of your legs and pull the tape all the way up your hip bone. Contour your knees. Take the leggings off and use glue (preferably a hot glue gun) to keep the tape in place at all times.

Now take the wider piece of black tape to create a belt.

Done & Done

Congrats! You got yourself a pair of Leeloo leggings.

Total cost: 12,10 euros for the leggings and 10 euros for the black tape.

***

And now for the finishing touch: HAIR AND MAKE UP

HAIR: 

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I decided to go with my real hair because wigs tend to degrade the outfit and just look too fake. I cut my hair a couple of weeks prior to this event to generate a similar look.

Wash your hair, towel dry it roughly, comb it. Take multiple locks and run through it from top to end using the orange hair chalk which only cost me 2 euros/piece. Repeat this all over.

Then blow dry your hair to see the result.

Create dread like locks using gel and hairspray. I also used neon orange hair paste (4,10 euros) to highlight some of the locks.

MAKE UP: leeloomakeup

The make up should be relatively ‘au naturel’. Don’t over powder yourself. Keep your skin light and pale. Use eyeliner, mascara and maybe a set of fake eye lashes. Keep the lips in a natural shade of apricot or pink. Don’t forget to keep the eyebrows as light as possible. I decided to use some orange fake eyelashes to give my overall look that extra supreme-ness.

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ACCESSORIES:

You can add cuts and blood if you want to go for the more ‘battered and bruised Leeloo’.

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Or you can even go for the non-waterproof mascara autowash Leeloo.

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With a brown ball point pen or marker you can also add a tattoo on your right wrist containing the four elements: earth, air, fire, water.

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Now all there’s left to do is catch up on the Leeloo lingo and you’re good to go!

°°°A little trivia to the Divine Language:

The “Divine Language” spoken by Leeloo was invented by director Luc Besson and further refined by Milla Jovovich, who had little trouble learning and developing it, as she was already fluent in 4 languages. The language had only 400 words. He and Milla held conversations and wrote letters to each other in the language as practice. By the end of filming they were able to have full conversations in this language.

Before we move over to some useful catch phrases, it wouldn’t hurt to remember your entire name which is:

nameleeloo

Now all together:
Leeloominaï Lekatariba Lamina-Tchaï Ekbat De Sebat. 

Got it? Good. Then now you’re ready for the final step: The Supreme being glossary:

‘Apipoulaï!’: Hello

‘Big ba-dah big boom’: to make a splashing entrance

‘Eto akta gamat’: Never without my permission -> which could come in handy with all those gropey pervs at comic cons.

‘San agamat chay bet envolet’: The case was stolen

‘Cornelius, ikset-kiba. Me imanetaba oum dalat’: Don’t worry,  I know exactly where they (the stones) are.

‘Dot’: There

‘Danko’: Thank you.

‘Domo danko’: Thank you very much.

Domo danko for reading and sharing !

meprotectyou

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