It’s that wonderful time of the year again: nature is in bloom, summer is in the air and hormones flourish like stoned kids on the banks of a lake. Time for me to cover up again: long jeans (not daisy dukes) and T-shirts that are one size too big so my boobs appear one size more petite.
Hot girl summer…
is a myth.
While cis guys are showing off their privileged nipples in the park,
am I determined to show as less skin as possible.
You: “Why Evvy? Have you changed your faith?“
Me: “No…, but there is a great collection of reasons really. Two, to be precise. One being that I worry about my skin tags and since the doctor keeps pecking away at my skin like crows at a trash bucket, I prefer to not sunbathe like a Greek god.”
You: “And the other reason?”
Me: “Is that I don’t wanna draw in any unwanted attention.”
You: “Why’s that? Aren’t we all attention seekers wanting the world’s approval 24/7?”
Me: “Well yes, but unfortunately we still live in a world where women are objectified and sexualised based on practically anything they do, say and wear and I am not in the mood to ‘own’ any of my curves and hypnotising shapes if it endangers my safety in the streets. If I am one bare belly button away from an unwanted stare then I prefer to cover up.”
You: “But doesn’t it make more sense to not succumb to these sexist bullies? Isn’t it all the rage right now to own your body, be proud of it, to free the nipple instead of censuring it? If you are a true empowered person, you should bare up and not close up like a clam.”
Me: “Easy for you to say, you are just a made up voice in the back of my head. And what you just said is basically just a marketing ploy written up by 50 year old men, hashtagged by yoga crazy influencers on the world wide web. I don’t fall for that. You know what is all the rage right now?”
R A G E
My unbridled RAGE.
I’m fucking frantic and I’m not afraid to own THAT.
THAT’s why I have written a very angry E-mail to the powers that be,
telling them that,
And that I need a court hearing to implement a set of new laws ASAP.
You: “Ok… and what did they say?”
Me: “The hearing is happening today. In exactly 2 seconds.”
THIS IS THE START OF THE COURT HEARING OF EVELIEN DELGOUFFE VERSUS THE PATRIARCHY.
Judge: Ms. Delgouffe, by the power invested in me, Oprah Winfrey, I will conduct this court hearing today. My cameo is sponsored by the foundation of royal runaway Prince Harry and my legal knowledge is gathered by binge-ing all of the seasons of the Meghan Markle featured tv-series ‘Suits’. If you choose to object, know that I have turned off the objection feature in this court hearing, you can always mimic any of the discontent you may be experiencing throughout this farce. Mimic if you understand:
Judge Oprah: Alright, I present to you today the two parties. On one side we have Ms. Delgouffe, as we all know. And on the other side we have the patriarchy. Let ‘s keep it short like a mini skirt on a hot summer’s day so that I can continue watching ‘Suits’ from the comfiness of my Prada Home couch.
Ms. Delgouffe please take the stand.
Me: “Thank you, Oprah. I would like to start by saying that throughout my entire existence I have felt unsafe, preyed upon and sexually intimidated/harassed by the majority of men. It started when I was an adolescent and it continues to happen even now that I am 32 years of age. This terror has had many guises. Sometimes it was disguised as good old fashioned misogyny from random and not so random men, sometimes it came from bosses and management figures being incredibly gaslighty using intimidation tactics to make me feel insignificant and inferior. Other times, and 80% of the time this happens all the time, it is just standard staring, groping, catcalling, slutshaming or the classic call to action of the vintage libido alpha male with a daddy hero complex: trying to win your trust before trying to get into your pants. I call it: the trust before thrust.”
Me: “But I am here today to say: I forgive them.”
Judge Oprah: “Forgive??”
Me: “Yes, everything my patriarchal preyer-friends have done to me, I forgive. I even wanna go as far as saying that I understand and that I agree. Girls are brought to this world to be objectified, to be looked at, to be lusted after, to be controlled and dominated.”
Judge Oprah: “So you don’t want to go against patriarchy and implement a set of new laws?”
Judge Oprah: “And what about you having an allergic reaction to the universe and what not?”
Me: “Well that was just me acting out. You know how girls are… hysterical.”
*general disgust fills the courtroom*
Judge Oprah: “Order! Order!”
“Ms. Delgouffe I am going to ask you one more time. Do you want to accuse patriarchy of age-old misconduct, if you do, now is your chance!”
Judge Oprah: “Sir, now is not the time to raise your voice in here, patriarchy will get a chance to speak soon. Now it is Ms Delgouffe’s turn. And looking at how things develop: it seems your team is on the winning hand anyway.”
Interrupting man: “No! You don’t understand. I AM Ms. Delgouffe!”
Scared little boy:
Me: “Everybody! Don’t believe that man!”
Me: “I’ve seen him shake hands with Trump.”
Judge Oprah: “Order! What is all this bull? Sir, please identify yourself! NOW!”
Interrupting man: “I am Evelien Delgouffe.”
“We switched bodies on Sunday the 13th. Some patriarchy hocus pocus. And here they are calling us witches and burning us on the stake!”
Random patriarchy member:
“Ms. Delgouffe you are a fucking piece.”
Judge Oprah: “So what is the truth?”
Another unexpected cameo:
Judge Oprah: “Loki Laufeyson, your trial isn’t until another half an hour. Please go back in the hall and wait your turn.”
Judge Oprah: “So what do I do with you two?”
Interrupting man who is actually me:
Me who is actually not me:
The undisputed heroin of the cinematic multiverse steps in:
And we all know, that nothing exorcises a body snatcher better than Ripley!
And that’s how Ms Delgouffe got her body back. She now can go back from being physically possessed by patriarchy, to merely being mentally burdened by the legacy of being a woman in a male dominated world. New laws were not passed today and the war on gender bias and toxic masculinity is not yet won. But there is one little take-away from today. Given by an attentive spectator in the court halls. A personal message to Ms. Delgouffe to…
To be continued:
Today marks the 1 month anniversary of the release of ‘Mouth On Me’ on Spotify and Bandcamp. A foul-mouthed ballad, an ode to the dead-end job, a morning mantra against toxic corporate culture, but above all a melodic ‘accident de parcours’ created in a bedroom in Berlin. Writing this song was a way for me to process some of the ongoing harassment I experience in my life. But this problem is not a one-song-fix, it is an ongoing battle to make this world a safer space for women, femmes and AFABs. Watch out for each other.