What really happened on that first day of school today

Early morning news anchor:

All over the country children are going back to school today. Due to the worldwide pandemic, autumn holidays got prolonged and schools were cancelled until further notice. After being cooped up in the house for weeks, we have a feeling kids will be more than happy to return to their natural habitat and rekindle with their class mates…

Meanwhile Casey, just another teenager, gets off the bus for his first day at school:

Casey trying to stay hopeful: *Maybe Covid-19 has caused some of my school mates to do some deep introspection about their bullying behaviour. Maybe this pandemic was not such a ba…*


… Right.

Life picks up its regular pace at I.M. High highschool. Kids with beaten up bloody noses are equally frequent to be found as beauty queens with fluffy pens and matching purses and moody teens are still equipped with their everyday bullshit activated protection shields:

Teachers, however, seem to be extraordinarily pleased to be able to return to their normal duties. In the teacher’s room everybody seems to agree that returning to school is a well-calculated risk. Kids need their education. And with the proximity of a virus killing vaccine, people seem to have the upmost faith in a happy ending to this saga…

Teacher A: “Have you seen the news?”

Teacher B: “About the covid vaccine?”

“I can’t believe they fell for that.”

All together: “Little do they know the worst is yet to come.”

Casey: “Hey Delilah, how was your autumn break?”

Delilah: “Not bad, I played video games, watched about everything there is on Netflix, Apple tv and Disney +… How about you?”

Casey: “I was forced to paint my aunt Vicky’s house. All she gave me was a lousy $13 allowance and a cinema ticket that is about to expire if this lockdown is not going to lift itself soon. I wanna go out again, I wanna go on dates, share a bucket of popcorn, or better, saliva with someone. I wanna feel like a kid again. I’m not equipped to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m frigging 16 years old.”

Delilah: “Chill, the vaccine is within reach.”

Casey: “By the time the Germans and the Americans are done with it, we will take another round on this crazy rollercoaster year. I’m telling you, if 2021 is set to be as terrible as 2020 I will be hugging complete strangers on the metro in no time.”

Delilah: “I’m not talking about the official vaccine. Word in these hallways is that one of our students came up with a cure in their basement. That German-American alliance is just what governments are making us believe so we wouldn’t lose hope and wouldn’t go all rogue on them. There’s this guy, a total brainiac from my chemistry class, that actually came up with a way to crush this virus for once and for all.”

Casey: “You’re seriously telling me some kid came up with rat poison in his basement and that’s gonna save us all?”

Delilah: “Well, some of us were actually productive when others were painting for $13…”

Meanwhile in the bathroom stalls:

School kids: “So one bump of this is gonna make me immune to corona and is going to cure my grandma too?”

Zeke: “Like I said…”

School kids: “You’re set to win the nobel prize with this buddy!”

Zeke: “Please, I’m not after any of that. I’m just an old fashioned anti-fascist do-gooder.”

RRRRIRIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGG says the school bell and students are making their ways to the first class of the day. Some teachers start today’s class by asking weird trick questions.

Class: “Ähm… no sir. We are not allowed to see our friends outside of school. It’s a lockdown, remember? Only close family members are allowed…”

Teacher: “From now on I want everybody to break that rule and to see as many people at once as possible. Therefor this class is dismissed and you can all join on the football field for an intense sweating session that will involve a lot of aerosol suspension. We encourage close body contact only and if you wanna hug any endorphins out please do so for an extended amount of time. Oh and kids: no masks!”

Kids: “Don’t you guys think it’s weird, our teachers encouraging us to go against everything we’ve been told to do?”

Delilah: “Très weird. You know what to do when you smell a rat, don’t you? Buy some rat poison…”

Casey: “I think it’s time to look up that chemistry kid Zeke.”

5 minutes later:

Zeke: “I don’t know what you guys are talking about. I can’t help you.”

Delilah: “Look, people are out there on the football field asked to basically get naked together and spread germs. I’m telling you there is something off. Teachers are acting weird.”

Zeke: “Teachers always act weird.”

Casey: “Yeah but this time it’s different. What if, for some reason, they WANT the virus to spread. What if they ARE the host??”

Zeke: “And here I thought I was the only alien in my highschool… Look, even if I do sell this so-called rat poison you speak off. I don’t have that much of it on me.”

Delilah: “Then let’s go and make some more.”

Kids screaming: “Principal Drake!!!”

Principal: “Where do you think you kids are going? Didn’t you hear your teacher. Go out on the field and spread some germs. You’ve been deprived of contact for so long, your skin is hungry for it.”

Kids: “Yes ma’am right away!!”

5 min later:


Casey: “I don’t think that a person should run unless he’s being chased.”

Delilah to the group: “Don’t you see what’s going on here? The coach is vetting us. Remember how obese people are more likely to get corona? He’s checking how unfit we are so we can become hosts too! I say we run!”

Zeke: “I know what will give us a head start.”

Zeke: “Let’s get the hell out of here!!”

Moments later the kids arrive in Zeke’s basement.

Casey: “This is what you’ve been doing when I was painting my aunt’s house? Turning your autumn break into breaking bad???”

Zeke: “Basically…”

Zeke: I got to make a batch to cure the teachers, but I’m also going to make us all one bump so we can become immune first. That way the teachers can’t get to us when we go back on to that field and…

DING DOOIIINNG says the doorbell.

Delilah: Who’s that?

Zeke: I don’t know. I’m not expecting any visitors.

Zeke runs upstairs and opens the door.

Zeke: “Walter???”

Delilah: “Our chemistry teacher? What is Mr. White doing here?”

Casey: “Doesn’t he know only close family members are allowed in? We are already too much households here!”

Walter: “If we want to make this planet sane again we will have to work together. As a family! Quickly go on Zoom. There’s someone who wants to talk to you.”

Tony Montana: “Zeke, ever since corona, with the bars and the clubs closed, there is no demand for my drugs anymore. The only thing that goes up people’s noses is a nasal swab. I have been locked inside my mansion for months. I’ve been reduced to nothing.”

**Mark Walhberg is asking to join this Zoom call**

Mark Wahlberg: “Same thing goes for me Zeke, I’m done being locked inside. My name is not Mark ‘FourWahls’-berg, is it?!”

***Pablo Escobar is asking to join this Zoom call***

Request denied

Delilah: “Ok we got the picture, so we use drugs to kill this pandemic, everyone gets their freedom back, but we risk the aftermath of a global drug addiction frenzy.”

Casey: “We’ll figure that one out later, one crisis at a time. SSNNNNFFFSNORT.”

The others: “Casey is right, we’re tired of lockdown. It is time for…”

With the help of their chemistry teacher the kids cook an extra pungent version of the so-called rat poison against corona...

…to then moments later arrive at school ground to cure the hosts.

But then an unexpected guest shows up…

Miss Burke: “Hi there Zeke, how has your hormone raving little teenage body been holding up this year? I’m sure you’re eager to succumb to a charming succubus like me, aren’t you?”

Zeke: “Sure Miss Burke, why don’t you come over here and give me some…”

Zeke: “Head!!”

Delilah: “You chop off one squid head and plenty more will come to its funeral.”

Robot voice coming in from the sky: “That’s exactly why you need me.”

Group: “Huuh?”

Tony Montana: “That’s right kids, say hello to my little friend, the drone that’s gonna entertain these cockroaches while you insert the cure.”

Stokely: “This story is getting out of hand.”

Casey: “Stokely, stop being a mood killer and look behind you!!!”

Coach: Surprise!!!

Tony Montana: “I’m on it!!!”

Delilah: “Zeke! The teacher! He’s the last host!”

And that’s how all the viruses got killed, the teachers got cured and school was saved before the final bell of the day rang.

Zeke: “I guess that’s it. See you all tomorrow…”

Don’t forget to ask your kids how their first day back at school went.

(Fan fiction made 90% out of ‘The Faculty’, with a sniff of ‘Scarface’ and ‘Breaking Bad’.)

Hannibal Lecter: Can I take off my mask now?