(*** Caution: this read contains a shit load of swear words and was established after sitting behind a computer for 18 hours straight ***)
Last time I was at the dentist, I had an epiphany and a strange dream encounter with Dorian Gray, Fjodor Dostojevski and… some other dude I can’t remember. If you ALSO don’t remember, you should definitely read this first before we continue.
Last week I was back in the horizontal chair of torture. This time I didn’t have to undergo surgery. I just went in to check if there were any cavities that needed to be filled. Now, I have a lot of voids in my life that need filling, but I’m pretty sure I don’t have cavities. I go on yearly check-ups, like, every year (…). I’ve been getting the green light time after time and multiple ‘congratulations’ on my oral hygiene. I’m sure this is just a waste of time.
Dentist: “Hello there Evelien. Been on any adventures lately?”
Me: “No I’m keeping it on the low down these days doc. Ya know, saving some dough. Keepin it real ya know what I’m sayin’?” $
(I don’t actually talk gangsta to my dentist. I don’t know how it came out this wrong)
Dentist: “Let’s have a look, shall we?”
As I laid down and the bright light hit my eyes and partially blinded me, I opened wide.
I felt some scratching, some polishing and then… the most disturbing sound of all… :
Dentist: “This is a little disturbing.”
Of course I couldn’t ask ‘What is?’ with this guy’s fingers still in my mouth.
Dentist: “There are four fillings that need to be re-done. But the main problem is this crack in your molar. If this turns out to be a coronal fracture, we will need to call up the lab and place a dental crown. The bad news is this doesn’t get refunded by the state. The worst news is that it will cost approximately 700 euros. Or more.”
Me: “Fuck me in the dick!”
Dentist: “Errm, not that it’s my area of expertise but I’m pretty sure that’s anatomically impossible.”
Me: “Why does shit like this always happen to me at the worst possible time?”
Dentist: “Ahm…It’s for you”
Me: “Whodis?” $
Voice : “Maybe now this is a good time to establish your future.”
Voice: “This is your wake up call.”
Voice: “This where the road stops. It’s time you make a choice.”
Me: “No more candy for me Morpheus. Can’t you see I’m in a dentist chair here? I’m already picking my teeth about how I’m gonna pay for all this. Haven’t you heard this gig is probably going to cost me hundreds of euros?”
Me (seemingly swearing out of nowhere): “Fo fuck’s sake!”
Morpheus: “Seriously. Hasn’t Kung Fu School taught you anything? Are you still doing your Qi Gong every day? You need to focus, woman. And choose a life.”
Me: “Ha! That’s a different movie.”
Morpheus: “This is YOUR movie. I can use whatever quote that pops into your mind.”
Me: “In that case I don’t have to follow the script. I choose the white rabbit.”
“Ooh, can I name it Jefferson Airplane?”
Morpheus: “Have you been getting my messages?”
Me: “You mean this confetti card?”
Morpheus: “No you annoying c… . THIS message.”
Me: “Oh that virus infested thing? I erased that fucker beyond thunderdome.”
Morpheus: “God damn, woman. I have been sending you valuable messages in order to start your own business.”
Me: “My own business? I don’t even own a home, how can I own my own freaking business?”
Morpheus: “You don’t need a home. All you need is an url for your webiste. And a decent internet connection. Decipher the code. Then you will unlock your future.”
Me: “But I don’t know jack about binary codes.”
Morpheus: “Follow me.”
Me: “Err….Where are we?”
Morpheus: “San Francisco. You’re on the set of a TV show.”
Me looking in the rear-view mirror: “Whoa, who’s the hottie?”
Morpheus: “That’s Britt Robertson. You have morphed into her character Sophia. She will help you start your business.”
Me: “But business in what? I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do?!”
Motherf*cker. Now I’m stuck in this hot body somewhere in San Francisco (…) with a killer waist line (…) an apartment of my own (…) and an online business that will turn into gold over the next seasons? Damn! I’M NEVER MOVING OUT OF THE MATRIX AGAIN!
Me: “Okay let’s find out what this chick is up to.”
Me: “Wait a hot minute….She sells vintage clothes over the internet….By the name NastyGal? I’ve purchased here! This is the beginning of an empire!”
But why am I here to witness this? I don’t even want to sell clothes online. If anything I would open my own coffee bar, but that shit market is saturated.”
I need to call Morpheus. He needs to bring me back to my life.
“Come on motherf*cker pick up.”
Me leaving a message on his voicemail:
“Yo Morpheus, this has been a lot of fun but I need to get back to my dentist chair en pay my bill. Could you call me back please? ASAP?!”
I’m screwed! Now I’m stuck in this character, needing to continue the narrative and I don’t know what the fuck I have to do. How did she turn NastyGal into a successful company? I should show more interest in these kind of things!
So now I am not only figuring out my own mess. Now I need to figure out this chick’s life too.
“Isn’t there like a script or something lying around here?!”
Oh great, another character intervenes. The plot thickens! Fuck it, I’m not answering the door.
(Knock knock knock)
Oh for fuck’s sake.
(Aggressively opens door) : “WHAT?!”
“Ehm, hi Sophia…. I wondered if you wanted to share some ice cream….”
Me: “Errr, …, no, no sorry I can’t. I have a dentist appointment….err, later tonight…”
Hot guy: “A dentist appointment? With the Chinese dude downstairs?”
Me: “No… with err… doctor Morpheus… Yeah, he’s supposed to be the best in town.”
Hot guy: “That’s funny. Aren’t you walking around with a hernia sticking out of your lower abdomen because you don’t have health insurance.”
Me: “Errrr, (this girl doesn’t have health insurance? At least I have that going for me back home!) That’s correct! But he’s a friend of my dad’s so he’s offering it for free…. It’s probably just a waste of spit anyway. My check ups are always A-OK.”
Hot guy: “Ok I will be around if you change your mind.”
Me: “Alrightie bye-bye now.”
Damn! Was this guy a hot piece of ass! I wonder if he’s my boyfriend? Should I have kissed him? No time for romantics. I need to escape this bubble right now before I get knee-deep.
8 hours later:
Me: “FUCK! This is what 9 months of no sex does with a person. One hot guy shows up and I cave like pudding. Sorry I need to scram and find a way out of this gorgeous body.”
Hot guy: “Ahm, …”
Morpheus: “Hello you have reached Morpheus’ voicemail. For entering the Matrix dial 1. For escaping the Matrix *tuuuuuuuuuut*”
I guess there’s only one thing I can do.
Suck it up…
And check in for some retail therapy.
After all, it seemed like the most plausible thing my character would do.
Shop manager: “Excuse me miss, you were here yesterday and forgot to pay for your sunglasses.”
Me: “What?! Are you accusing me of shoplifting?”
Shop manager: “That’s right.”
Me: “Look pal, I didn’t steal anything alright? I only just entered this body 12 hours ago. If it’s any consolation, my character is about to start an online business that will go global and make a lot of money. Once I receive my first pay check, I will pay for the so-called stolen sunglasses. I just need to get out of this Matrix and get back home so I can continue my life and Sophia can do the same.”
“I need to get out of here.”
If Morpheus won’t help me, I will break this Matrix open myself!
“Get out of the way! I got cappuccinos to serve and columns to write!”
15 minutes later:
45 minutes later:
Me: “And that’s how I ended up with my car on your curb.”
Old lady: “Damn girl, you’ve been on quite some adventure. Sounds to me your life isn’t all that bad back home. You got that column working for you. Even though it sounds like a bunch of whining about not finding a suitable mate.”
Old lady: “Seems you’re crying over spilt milk. Just like your car, your life is waiting for you to kick start the engine. If I were you, I would find a way to make a living out of independent writing. And maybe even try the YouTuber thing. You never know where it takes you.”
Me: “It all seems such a fuck load of work. I don’t know if I can do this all by myself. I have been refusing to start freelancing. I’m scared to take the jump and pay most of my income to taxes and shit. What if I work my ass off and not even make a decent living?”
Me: “What in the ass, lady?!”
Old lady: “First of all: you swear too much. And second of all: you think too much. Either you take the risk. Or stay stranded forever.”
Me: “I’m afraid I will be stranded here forever.”
Me: “OH MY GOD IT’S MORPHEUS. I GOTTA TAKE THIS.”
Me: “Yes….Yes….Golden Gate Bridge? Got it! But there’s one thing I got to do. Give me 35 minutes.”
30 minutes later:
Me: “It was really nice meeting you. Sophia is a lucky girl but I have five minutes to get to the Golden Gate Bridge and out of this Matrix. Take care!”
Hot guy: “Ahm, …”
4,5 minutes later:
Morpheus: “Take a seat…”
Morpheus: “… And put your stolen sunglasses on.”
Dentist: “And we’re all done! Good news: the coronal fracture doesn’t go completely through. I inserted a serum that will hold everything together. Best news: it’s completely free. Congratulations you just saved yourself 700 euros.”
Me: “That’s exactly the amount I need to pay for my first quarter of independence!”
Dentist: “Ahm what?”
Me: “Morpheus was right! I’ve been shown the door. Now I just gotta walk through it.”
Bitches -err- World, here I come!
(This post was powered by ‘The Matrix’, ‘Trainspotting’, Netflix TV show ‘Girlboss’, black coffee and fried rice with chicken. Oh, and some tic tacs.)