Following my latest blog post, I started thinking about relationships. And why we’re in them.
Not only is a vast majority of people I know reproducing, …
… there are also couples breaking up before my eyes. Good friends of mine who turn to me for relationship advice and who are just battered and bruised from the process of desperately trying to stay together.
Hence the question: Why are we in relationships?
We get brought up with the idea we’re half a coin. A Yin without a Yang. Someday you have to find someone, your missing puzzle piece. This idea is forced upon us by media, advertising, religion, parents, …It is such an obvious thing that we forget to ask ourselves: Why?
Aren’t we all complete persons already? And isn’t it possible that having a +1 could potentially devaluate our coin? You could be a gold medal trading it in for silver or bronze. Or tin.
Why are people so scared of ending up alone?
I haven’t been in a relationship for two years now. Only recently I feel like I am ready to potentially start a new one. I had my time to catch up with myself, put my own needs up front for a while, and now I feel I’m ready to walk the road with someone next to me. But I’m not forcing anything. The right relationship will come around when the time is right.
And that’s what some people just don’t have the patience for.
I feel like a lot of people settle just to settle.
1. For some it’s the outlook of unlimited sex.
2. For others the warranty of reproduction. Caused by unlimited sex.
3. For others it’s a sense of security/safety because they’re scared of being alone.
Usually things go well for a certain amount of time, but when that relationship comes under siege, it’s very hard to keep the ship afloat.
I have a friend who’s holding on to the cracks in her boat in order to keep the water out. She’s putting in all her effort and energy eventhough she knows the ship is going to sink. And the orchestra is already playing their final tune.
Then there is another friend who’s married and has kids. Her husband also has a second girlfriend. She knows, and he has promised to leave the other woman many times, but he still hasn’t, and they just stay together for the sake of staying together.
When it comes to relationships, is it sensible to bend not break? Or should we just stay true to ourselves and take the high road?
In my opinion there are 4 distinct types of relationships:
1. the full on romantic relationship (this one is all about soulmates and true love and is very rare to be seen in real life),
2. transitioning relationship (band-aids to heal from a previous ‘full on romantic relationship’, aka ‘rebound’. Usually one focusses only on physical characteristics and compatibility and refuses to build a deeper connection with the person),
3. the forced relationship (forced onto people by family, environment, themselves),
4. the professional agreement (love is replaced by money and the relationship is merely a status symbol)
For me, option 1 is always the goal. I would really love to find that one true puzzle piece. To fall madly in love, to share the rest of my life with one person. But is that thought realistic? Maybe love is a losing game and we should all stop believing in fairy tales.
The older I get, I can’t help but thinking true love is something that died with Shakespeare. Monogamy is a hoax and ‘Till death do us part’ is just a metaphor for : ‘When I found someone better and leave you behind’.
Even the best things get boring after a while.
Why do we try so hard to ignore the equation if we already know the outcome?
You either make potpourri and appreciate it for the little scent it spreads or you throw them out and get fresh ones every once and a while.
Your loyalty towards someone changes when your needs change. And in that opinion we are living in a time where everything and everyone is easily replaced.
For instance: Why invest in a quality razor if you can shave almost equally good with throwables? You don’t have to worry about maintenance, customs, and the possibility of accidentally leaving it somewhere.
Maybe true love is more like true friendship. You respect each other. Adore each other. But stay individual persons with individual needs. Love is replaced with lust. Lust is to be find in different places. But you stay true to a friendship.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a big fan of the idea either. I’m just putting some observations out there, since ‘open relationships’ are all the rage these days.
But as far as I’m concerned a good relationship is all about simplifying things. Toning down expectations and putting things into perspective.
Whenever I would meet someone I would always try to envision a future with that person and then decide if it would be someone I would want to invest in.
That’s silly, of course you cannot know from the very beginning. You’re only sabotaging yourself by creating these high standards, cause no way you will ever achieve them. And you will end up only disappointing yourself.
In that mind set I tried the concept of a summer love. It wasn’t a well thought plan or anything. It just happened here in Ibiza. He’s from Argentina and -at this moment- he makes me feel good about myself and I enjoy my time with him.
I don’t envision a future with him. And that’s the first time I’ve ever done that. It’s a bit weird at the beginning. But it’s all part of living life in the moment. And following your gut instead of your brain.
Knowing that, I finally gave up on the idea of ‘saving myself’ for mister right. I’m going to let you in on a little secret. This stays between you and me okay? I have had a total of 6 bed partners in my life. Now, I’m not proud of it, if it were me I would have only sticked to one but life pushes you to make some mistakes along the way in order to find what you are really looking for. Anyway, there was something about number 7 I didn’t want to give up to just anyone. So I saved myself. And lived like a nun while traveling Australia, China and Japan.
Friend: “Maybe you should drop the whole magic number nonsense. I already reached seven when I was 14!”
Well, now I can say… I finally reached seventh heaven 😀
You: Gee Ev, you have to kiss a lot of frogs not f*** them!
And especially for this occasion. Music maestro!