“Hi Ev, how have you been?”
“Hello Evvy, we miss the blog, how are you?”
“Hey Ev, I was just thinking about you. Curious how you are, now you’re back?”
“Ev, the mortician wants to know if you want regular coffee or decaf on your funeral. Since you don’t reply, we assume you’re dead.”
“Yes, of course! We want to know how you’re doing. If you’re depressed or happy? What your next move will be?”
My.. my next move?! Fucking… Go entertain yourself!
(…) “There’s no point in getting agitated, Ev, we just miss your stories.”
Well you should see a doctor for that addiction. I’m done writing.
I’m not even lying. It’s not as if I don’t want to write. When I wrote my last blog post I knew it wasn’t the last. I just wanted you guys to believe it was, so you would be sad. Then, weeks later I would redeem myself and blow you all away with an amazing – unexpected – read that would probably land me my long awaited book deal.
Well, I can just forget that.
Ever since I got back I don’t see stories anymore. It’s as if I’m slowly but surely going blind.
Everything is so grey, dull, nothing inspires me here. I could just go in full hibernation mode. Even though summer has just begun. I guess I’m still on Australian time…
Why is it that the other side of the world does all this good for me, and being back home just doesn’t work for me. The first weeks I didn’t experience any problems with being back home. I had learned to live in the moment and not to hang on to the past too much. Memories, nostalgia, … it’s good to have them but you cannot live by them. I was happy. I also appreciated things more. Having seen a lot of forests, national parks, cities, beaches, train stations, airports, …. I suddenly valued some of the sceneries here even more. Belgium is a b-e-a-utiful country. But the mentality just drives me nuts.
“What are you gonna do now?”
“You do realize you’re gonna have to have a decent job now?”
“Something you can do for years in order to support a house, a family and a once in a year getaway?”
It’s like somebody slowly reaches out to suffocate me.
Very few things in life scare me. But if I’m easily paralyzed by one thing, it is the fear of living an ordinary life.
Type in Koinophobia in Youtube and you will bump on a perfect video explaining my very emotions.
Repetition, the slow process of decay. Being stuck in the waiting room of life. Waiting for it to come to an end and minutes before climbing the stairway to heaven realizing you didn’t really make the most of it. And that now, it is too late.
I’ve been looking into these things a little. Books, movies, youtube clips, Buddhism. Something to support my belief that an UNordinary life is possible. And I can prove everyone wrong.
I have to, since I’m stuck on a train with realists, pessimists, non believers, … Even my mother doesn’t believe anyone would be interested in reading a book written by me. Seven years ago today I graduated cum laude. We were sitting in the back of the aula because we arrived a little late.
“It is with great honor I announce that we have one student who passed with distinction. Please come forward…. Evelien Delgouffe!”
My eyes widened. It was as if someone handed me a cheque, rolled out the red carpet and promised me I would never experience any problems in finding a job and a steady income. I was honored. And happy.
… I didn’t get a congratulations from my mom (*). Even though I knew deep inside she was proud, she kind of took it for granted. Same when I landed a job at the biggest newspaper in Belgium at only 21.
It’s very hard to be your own motivator. To tap yourself on the shoulder and tell yourself you’ll make it. Sometimes I feel as if I am the only believer here. But I won’t step over to the dark side.
… I don’t care how much of a tantric sex god Kylo Ren is.
I just need to stop letting people who do so little for me, control so much of my mind, feelings and emotions. I shouldn’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thinks or says about how I should live my life. And I should definitely not give up on what I believe in. There are no red carpets, win for life cheques, no safe boxes where you can live happy and be free at the same time. If you want to succeed in something you will have to make that happen. And nothing great has ever come out of thinking inside a box.
A lot of people get discouraged. Get paralyzed by fear. Before they knew it they’ve been putting potato chips in cylinder cans for 30 years straight. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that if that’s what you really enjoy doing. I’m not judging here. Probably a lot of people are happy with a mediocre marriage and a mediocre job. I just also see a lot of people regretting their life choices because they thought they didn’t have a choice.)
If everybody was just a little bit more open minded, a little bit more hopeful and a little bit less realistic, just imagine how different this world would look like.
What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
Face Everything And Rise.
(*) Then again, maybe I never said thank you for sending me to college either. So all is forgiven, mommy! I love you no matter what! …But you can’t have any royalties once my book gets international acclaim.